Spiked Heart....

As you all know from my previous posts that I am going through something. I would like to touch on one of them as the situation was made clear to me yesterday.

Gonna need Jill Scott,"Beautifully Human" for this one....

Shot down, but not dead...


Remember the woman I refered to as, "Even though not be able to be with the woman that I want to be with hurts, but there is nothing I can do"??? I do, I wrote it. I talked to her online, and it all came out. She rejected me. Now she she says that she wasn't rejecting me. "North Carolina, Come On Now!!! Now y'all all know......" I have been turned down or rejected some plenty of times in my time so I should know when it's happening. These were her words: "I'm being honest with you. I've always been honest with you. You're my friend and I care about you, but I'm not the one." To be honest, I felt bad, really bad. Why? This was the one that I thought was the one for me. I thought about her everyday. Called her from time to time to check on her, even sent her something in the mail one time. The door, I thought, was open. She had the door shut already. I don't know how long she had the door shut on me. So now I'm thinkin' there is a reason, besides the one of us being long distant from each other. I asked her, she didn't tell me, There has to be a reason, she just don't want to tell me, I thought she was my friend, she can keep it real and tell me why she didn't want to be with me, I think I deserve that. Instead I got apologies. I just put my head down as I received this bad news. Then on top of that, she said to me the most HATED line that I know. "You'll find the right girl, J. She's out there really." My emotions rapidly turned from sad to mad, anger. I punched the wall and the closets a few times,didn't really work. I thought about jumping out the window but I wasn't high enough to hurt myself. Then I remember that I wasn't at home when this was going on. I don't need for her to tell what's out there for me. Obviously she's not out there for me. She also said that we have gotten closer by our getting to know each other on another level than friends I believe, but I didn't want to get close to her like that if I knew that this was going to happen. She claims that I was on her mind as much as she was on mine. I can't prove that but I still don't believe it. She used the past tense "were" as in there were times I was on her mind plenty. I'm talkin about now. She has no clue of what she has done to me. The door was slammed in my face, hard. I know in my heart that no one, let me say this again so you people can hear me, I said I know in my heart that NO ONE will be able to treat her the way I could have treated her if I was given the opportunity. I'm not backing down from that, that's how I feel. I am a good person and I know that I have plenty to give. We all hit forks in the road(Shit seems like I've hit a lot) but you find ways around it. I feel angry, nonchalant, and rejoiced, right now. I am strong. Some people have told me that I should go after what or who I want. If she is who I want, then I should for it. I.....don't think that will be happening here. I am not going to bend over backwards for someone who doesn't want me. It's a waste of time. If it's somehow true that there is someone out there for me, then it is what it is, but I will NOT look for her. The reality of everything that happened yesterday is setting in, and I'm getting at peace with self again. I just guess that she wasn't as special as I thought she was.


So the big question is: What did I do after I got this door shut on me? Well first I got myself a drink. Then another one, and another one, and another one. I don't know how many I had and I really didn't care at that moment. I was to go up North to hang out with a friend, but I received a call from two female friends. They, along with another girl, was hanging out @ Bar Louie in Hyde Park and had wanted me to come through. I was in no condition to go anywhere, but I went to the bar. They have more alcohol @ the bar. We ate and conversated, I watched glimpses of the Bulls/Hawks game. I was able to relax and breathe. The girl on the right that I met for the first time was very pretty but I knew that nothing would come of it, because the girl on the left really likes me, so that would be wrong for me to do. Was the alcohol talking as well? Shit, who fucking cares at that moment. They were shocked when I paid the whole tab. They wanted to make sure that I was okay. It didn't matter to me then, I'm always okay I told them. When I got by myself at home I drank some more. It felt good. Then I remember what I told the girls, "I'm always okay."


I thought about that for a while. It is true, no denying it. Putting all the marbles in one basket is no longer my steelo. Some people have told me that I lost a little of my boldness. I wasn't as cocky or as arrogant as before. I was the giggalo, the pretty boy, I lived carefree, that I didn't get caught up in one girl. I was doing better always when I messed with several women at one time. It was challenging, but more yet, satisfying. I went through life without pausing, not thinking. I was the one that didn't get into feelings, I was high up and I couldn't be touched. I told myself a while back that I didn't want to like that, but I had more fun when I was like that. No more tears, no more fears. Don't put everything in one girl. I learned the hard way. I got myself into this and I can get myself out of this. As for her, as for being friends, I don't know right now. I have said that I would always be there for her and that still stands but you get what I got yesterday it makes you think. There is no doubt in my mind that it is her that is losing out. Whether she moves backs to Chicago or not no longer matters to me. I know that no one is perfect and everyone has flaws, but I will not sit here and try to figure out where things went wrong. There is always in your lifetime, you think about that one person that you let get away, that you wish you could have back and makes things different. Well I will be the one that she let get away from her. Whether if we are friends or not, she will realize it. I am doing good in 2005. I'm on track with my goals and all. I will not let this setback affect me. I will not sit back and cry and get myself down about what could have been because it's not going to happen. I have accepted the fact and will move on. Through all the times I have had many setbacks, and I have survived through them somehow, with some of them I still to this day don't know how. Rippin stuff up, punchin' walls, threats to jump out windows is not going to do anything. It is time for me to regroup and re-evaluate myself. I am the original one. There's no other. I am picking the spikes out now, doesn't make any sense to lose any more blood. One situation down, plenty to go!


Drink of the Day...

Brandy Alexander...

Cream Drink served in a Cocktail Glass...

1/2 oz. Brandy
1/2 oz. dark Creme' de cacao
2 oz. cream
Blend & Strain

Garnish: nutmeg


-Da Original 1-